Hopeless Romantic

by: lvsnn 

I'm such a hopeless romantic, what the hell... 

I had a relationship with a guy who I really love, like I'm really in love, but our relationship was so unhealthy, the timing was just off, being in a relationship with him was very challenging, I was so exhausted physically and mentally, I just can't do it anymore, so I decided to break up with him even though I do still love him. 

Sometimes you can't force something to happen, it doesn't work like that. I was devastated, but i knew what I did was the toughest and the right thing to do, letting go wasn't easy it took a lot of effort especially when you're still in love. It's like torturing yourself, it's the fact that you know it'll hurt you but you do it anyway. But eventually you'll move on, only time will tell. 

After a while I had a crush on someone, I never talk to him, but sometimes we just look at each other, an empty stare. The problem is that he is way to young for me, it's a three year age gap. I'm a women and I'm older than him, he could be my brother or something. It's weird but I ' like ' him. 

Maybe because I was so vulnerable that I just fall in love with any guy out there. Monday, Wednesday and Saturday, the only time I could see him, we dont even talk, I don't even have his contact or his social media, someone even said to me that he has a girlfriend, but it wasn't that serious and actually i didn't really mind or even care. The idea of not being together was just sad, I just want someone to love me the way I love him, but that's just a fantasy to me, love doesn't exist. 

*So basically this is me being a hopeless romantic, sad huh? but i dont really, let love do what it does best, hurt people.

Is Love Hate Relationship worth it?

by: lvsnn

A brief story about my previous relationship...

I was so in love with this guy I met, he’s really charming and somehow unique.

Fast forward, I was in a relationship with him, it took me 4 month in the “get to know” stage, and then the relationship lasts for about a month. 

After we broke up, I never had the chance to talk to him again, till today.

I was devastated for about a month less or so.

I cried and it was just hell for me.

Sometimes I just can’t breathe, like I was in shock or just numb, like I can’t feel anything.

But then I recover...

Actually, I was the one who broke up with him, well we both do, but I initiated it.

Our break up wasn’t rough at all, we didn’t even fight or cuss at each other. 

We just agreed that breaking up was the right thing to do.

His last word was “take good care of yourself. If you don’t love yourself, who will?”

Maybe you’ll think that I deserved this, I mean by regretting what I did, but I did this for myself.

I just felt that relationship shouldn’t be… the way I describe it, is “dark”.

Before we were in a relationship it was fine, we didn’t fight, it’s like we understood each other and it was just a healthy relationship.

But when we were in a relationship it went weird and awkward real fast. 

We fight and fight everyday, and it’s just tiring.

I was just so confused, cause I had never been in a relationship like this.

Where I love him and hate him at the same time.

So I looked it up, and I just realized that I was in a “Love Hate Relationship” 

Love hate relationship is where you are in love but also hate each other, instead of expressing your feelings, you fight. 

A love hate relationship is the kind of relationship where there’s more anger and frustration in the romance than love and happiness.

Love hate relationship was just not for me.

I love him, like I was so infatuated with him.

But then at the same time, I just loathe him, like sometimes I think “how did I end up with him? like how?”

This kind of relationship just has too much ups and down.

Like I love him and then the next thing I know, is that I hate him.

It was just too complicated.

For me this relationship is an emotional abuse, 

And I just can’t stand it. I just think that it’s not a healthy relationship.

That’s the reason why, I left him. It was too much.

He understands exactly why I want to end the relationship.

It’s because I can't deal with it. 

He wants me to be happy, even if it’s without him.

Hearing him said that, breaks my heart. 

But I think, I made the right decision,

You should’t be in a relationship that’s not healthy, you should feel joy and happiness not frustration.

And if I were to continue the relation, it would just be worse. 

I would still end up breaking with him, and it would just take for ever for me to move on, cause of the more time I spent with him. 

The faster the better. 

In conclusion, speaking based on my experience, love hate relationship is just not worth it, it’s tiring, takes up too much energy, and sometimes it could be stressful to deal with. The point of being in a relationship is suppose to love and be loved, right?

***

_I said that it’s not worth it, is because it didn’t worked out for me…

I don’t know about you? but for sure this is not for me.

Maybe it would work out on you? you never know… 

So, it actually depends on the person_

Love? maybe...

by: lvsnn

Why do I have this fear of love? 

I am so afraid of love,

I am so afraid that I would be hurt again,

I love him... very much,

But I did, what I had to do...

Since the night I broke up with him, I become so scared of love, this wasn't supposed to happen.  

Being in love was suppose to be happy and fun?

Why is mine different?

Love gives me anxiety, it just scare the hell out of me. 

Since that night, I shut myself from people, not giving too much, and not allowing my self to love or be loved. 

Since what happened that night, I wonder what is the purpose of falling in love with someone, and then be with them, when in the end you know it's not gonna last and that you'll lose him forever? 

What was the purpose of falling in love when in the end you're just getting your heart broken by the one person you love. 

You're gonna lose him, and you're gonna be strangers again. When you actually used to be the one who was always there for him. 

How is it possible for someone who are still in love, chooses to brake up?

And how is it possible for me to still have feelings for him? 

I broke up with him, not because he cheated on me, he is a good guy, I just felt that we weren't meant for each other, and that the relationship is not going to work out. Just by thinking not being by his side anymore hurts me.

I was hurt by you, and when I broke up with you, I felt so bad because it was just out of the blue, I am so sorry to what I had put you through, and to be honest I was also hurt by hurting you. 

But I have to love myself, seeing myself in pain was intolerable for me, if I don't love myself, who will? It was really hard for me to broke up with you, since I was so in love with you, but I just had to do it.

But you... 

You didn't love me enough to fight for me?

And ask me to stay? 

So I left... 

You told me that night that you love me enough to let me go and want me to be happy, but how am I suppose to be happy without you? 

You told me that you can't bear the thought of me being hurt or unhappy because of you.

You told me that my decision of breaking up is a good idea, so that I could be happy without you.

That was our last conversation, our last text and the last time I had contact with you.

I miss you... a lot.

But if being happy without you is something you want for me...

I will try...

I will try to be happy without you...

xoxo :,)

To: arb